I am free, my grades are in. I have no semester tidbits to handle. It's just, done. I have no application process. I just need to pack up. I need to return the library books and CDs. I need to find them. I have a few more things to hand off. Umbrella. Mascara. Soap. Henna. Call bank. Make transaction. Check account. New checks. Still no reply of host lady.
I will need a new job when I return. I will need new apartment. Will I have to break the lease if I can only get it for a year and am able to do the assistantship next year? Or will it be the year after that? Will I graduate in December, and if am able to apply and be accepted to the teaching-French assistant program, if I am accepted will it be for. . . when? How long will I have in Lincoln? And if/when I'm not accepted? What do I have out there for me? I hope to earn a DELF/DALF certificate while in France, to boost my résumé to be able to use my French in a future job. But if/when there is not a job for me? How can I repay my loans?
I stopped writing once the semester stopped. This is because I was taking writing class, and no longer had the need. But i felt it. I felt the writing when I was doing it. And I feel it absolutely not now. Because all during this time off feeling the writing, I was also feeling insufficient. That I had not learned enough to be able to have something to write about. Finger paintings. That's what I kept thinking. My writing right now iis still just finger-painting. I have not read enough. I have not learned enough. I have not seen enough. I have not experienced. Felt. I have imagined, and I have wondered. Maybe when I come back I'll have the fuel. But right now I can't, don't want to, don't need to. I need to to be thoroughly felt, real, and round. There is much I need to read and experience. I have only had notions.